Playing Games

live journaling mindset Oct 04, 2021

One of my mentors shook my foundation last week - he put forth the premise that we are almost always playing a game with ourselves.  It is an unconscious game that comes from whatever wounds we have from our past.   There is the deflated game where we identify with our wound and all the ways it makes us small.  Then there is in the inflated game where we go all out to prove that we are not the wound.

And let's be honest, we've all been wounded in a myriad of ways so we are likely playing multiple games when we separate from our source, our power, our presence. 

Inferior vs Superior
Useless vs Over Achiever
Crazy vs In the Know

And my personal favorite and the one that when I operate on autopilot that I default to; VICTIM vs SAVIOR.   I was utterly crushed after we did the exercise to determine what our game is and even at that moment I was still hiding from the truth of my game.   It took all weekend for me to admit what my primary...

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Finding Words

dreams live journaling Apr 01, 2021
Trying to put words to a vision can be difficult - the English language feels too confining yet I don’t know any others - so I write and use metaphor. I mix the senses and trick the tongue.
 
“I splintered in time, I am shattered starlight - a soul divided.
 
I have been searching for the missing bits and wrapping twine and barbed wire around me in an attempt to form a false shell - something barely resembling wholeness.
 
As I cross space and time I see beacons guiding me to the pieces of my light that have sheltered in other shells. As we connect our heartbeats synchronize and 2 become 1.
 
More time, more travel, more lifetimes pass and the multitudes of me forget they were ever more than pieces scattered by fate and fortune.
 
A wail comes out of the dark and rage wells up inside me. Your warmth was stolen from me and I don’t recall the deal we made in the ether. This is my time to collect more pieces to me and I can’t...
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Water

Today I am so very grateful for the flowing of water. The way it washes me clean. The way it fills me up. The way it overflows my heart and my eyes.
 
There is so much symbolism to be found in water and its abundance in our bodies.
 
I recently had a vision during a facilitated meditation of a vessel being held under a roaring waterfall. That the water was limitless prosperity and abundance pouring into me. And where it overflowed it soaked the ground, making it fertile, and new life began to grown.
 
I held that vision close to me and drank water with a reverence that had been missing in my routine for a while. That night I slept on it and the next morning as is my habit, I journaled.
 
“The goblet is the representation - WE are the true vessels. We need to allow the light, magic, wonder, power, prosperity, health, wildness to pour into us until we are overflowing. What overflows will nourish the dry ground creating a fertile world with more people...
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Markle & Mental Health

issues live journaling Mar 10, 2021
I am so grateful that we are beginning to normalize talking about mental health. We have a long way to go and it is already better than it was 1, 2, 5, 10, 25 years ago.
 
My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and some of my early memories are calling 911 after multiple suicide attempts.
 
I was 4 or 5 when I tried holding my breath long enough to die.
 
15 years ago I thought about killing myself daily - it felt easier than what I was currently going thru and the only reason I didn’t do it is I couldn’t think of a way that I could 100% guarantee it would look like an accident so Barry wouldn’t have to wonder why.
 
I did not watch the interview with Meghan Markle- I have zero skin in the game. But in the days following I have seen is an upswelling of people talking about mental health and how powerful it is for a person to reach out for help.
 
I honor those who have fought this fight and made it through the other side.
 
...
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Wrong Side of the Bed

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I’m grumpy, tired, impatient. I don’t want to work, read, listen to music or do any of my morning rituals.
 
This is one of two things - I’m either in the goo or I’m on a low point of my cyclical emotional wave - neither is bad, nothing here to be fixed or solved.
 
Just to be felt - ha, didn’t I just say yesterday to let it hurt, let it heal, and only then should I let it go?
 
A bit prescient of me..... 😜
 
A year ago I was in Bali waiting for my husband to arrive. It would be our first vacation in 16 years (I don’t count long weekends away). I was just coming off of the most transformative experience since I started this awakening journey.
 
I was in Bali for 23 days - I spent the first week falling in love with myself and the rest of my trip falling deeper in love with who Barry and I are together.
 
I left the U.S. before COVID was first reported in...
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All the emotions

Embracing my human design has helped me appreciate and be grateful for my great big feelings. I love that I can cry at the drop of a hat or because the sunrise is just so damn beautiful.
 
I love that the weirdest things tickle my funny bone - particularly really really bad puns.
 
I love that words and lyrics can transport me to new worlds and unheard levels of ecstasy.
 
I love that even in my lows - when all my emotions feel overwhelming - that I still allow myself to feel it all.
 
I am a creature of feelings and those feelings color all my experiences.
 
I am so grateful for this particular paintbrush - it gives depth to every experience.
 
I believe all emotions are here for a purpose - those we label good and those we label bad. They are here to heal.
 
And, so darling, I encourage you to let it hurt, let it heal and, only then, let it go!
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Happy Tears

On Christmas Day I received a notification that someone purchased a Human Design session with me and it made me feel as if someone had gifted themselves with me! It was the cherry on top of an already fabulous day.
 
This morning I received a similar notification but this time they spelled it out - “Yesterday I decided I was no longer going to show up unconscious of my gifts. More than one person has suggested that meeting with you is to meet my own magic. I am ready to own all that I am.”
 
All the fuckin' feels! Yeah, I started 2021 crying happy tears...
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Boom!

I keep having the same dream over and over - It’s hazy and I can’t see all the details but I hear a voice and a massive repeating boom between words...
 
The BOOM savage BOOM march BOOM of BOOM time - then a final BOOM that shakes and rattles me until I fly apart.
 
I don’t know where I heard the phrase - honestly, it sounds like a song lyric but there is nothing musical about my dream.
 
I don’t dread time marching on - I don’t want to wish away my hours or my days. I’m not scared of dying and the end of me - because I don’t believe we end.
 
I’ve been talking recently about the difference been sharing our truth and our wisdom with my Projector clients. My truth includes weird dreams, random musings, laughing like a loon, dancing in celebration, not always having the right words, hermiting just because, food as a love language, and that barely scratches the surface.
 
My wisdom is my work as the...
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